Animals in the News

Illinois has unveiled something called “Squeezy the Pension Python.” The conjured-up critter tells the Illinoisans their most urgent problem is “the pension squeeze.” Back in the day, state workers were promised generous pension benefits. But now, Illinois is quite broke. Only two states, California and Illinois, have credit ratings of less than “prime” or “excellent.” Both Illinois and California are tied in the category of only “medium-level” credit rating. But Illinois has edged out California in that California pays “far lower interest on bonds than Illinois.” (“Downgrade of credit best viewed as warning”, by Christopher Wills. AP, circa September 18, 2012)

So “Squeezy the Pension Python” has been conjured up to help explain things to the Illinoisans. In Illinois, at least, 1937 is about to repeat itself. 1937 was the year, in the midst of the Great Depression, that the economy began to take a severe turn for the worse.

In other animal news, there is controversy over the recent custom of granting a presidential pardon to the White House turkey. This pardon saves the creature from the chopping block. The Wall Streeters want to eliminate the pardon due to what they perceive as bad symbolism. Now the Wall Streeters have found an unlikely ally in the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, called “PETA” for short. Sarah Parnass of ABC News reports there are planned to be two turkeys receiving last-minute stays of execution. The potentially pardoned duo are said to bear the names of Cobbler and Gobbler. But PETA now is saying the pardoning of the turkeys “makes light of the mass slaughter of some 46 million gentle, intelligent birds and portrays the United States’ president as being in some sort of business partnership with the turkey-killing industry.”

However notice how President Barack Obama has quietly increased the pardoning now to two turkeys. This sets the stage for later increased pardonings of turkeys, thereby sending the subtle message, “Hey, these birds have been pardoned by the U.S. president. So why are you eating them?”

This is all obviously a part of Obama’s Maoist Muslim Health Care scheme. But consider the humble turkey farmers, Clem and Ethel. In these tough times they are just scraping by with a meager income from their small turkey farm. But the increased pardonings of turkeys and consequent diminishment of sales would cause Clem and Ethel to go out of business! So what about Clem and Ethel, hmm?

Finally, recall if you will the lovable, furry creature, the Furby. It was during the infamous 1998 Christmas shopping season that the Furby seemed to appear from nowhere. It spoke a strange language, called “Furbish”. Shoppers appeared to be hypnotized: “Must have Furby… Must have Furby”, they were heard to repeat, as they elbowed their way to store shelves.

There were horrible “Furby riots” in the stores on “Black Friday,” the shopping frenzy day after Thanksgiving. This was caused in part by the stressful hormones injected into the turkey birds which the shoppers had earlier eaten. Just be careful out there, is all I’m saying. The stores will be crowded and there will be a “Squeezy the Python” effect. Add to that guilt feelings over turkey consumption, and it could spell TROUBLE.


About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
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