Afghan National Police, in Action!


The New Yorker magazine, in its August 9, 2010 issue, carried this gem: An Afghanistan police district commander was “reported to have had forcible sexual contact with a 16 ye[ar] old AC [Afghanistan Civilian] female.” When the 16-year-old female went to the mighty Afghan National Police to complain to the district commander about the apparent rape, the district commander ordered his bodyguard to open fire on the young woman! But the bodyguard refused to do so. For this, the district commander shot the bodyguard!

The above information, in the Talk of the Town section of the New Yorker, came from one of about 76,000 classified documents released by Wikileaks. According to Amy Davidson, writing in the New Yorker, the mainstream press all seem to have closed ranks and adhered to the same sound bite regarding the Wikileaks revelations: “There is nothing new here.” But that is only generally true. Here is another specific in the thrilling tales of the Afghan National Police: An Afghanistan policeman is in a public shower, smoking hashish. Two Afghan National Army soldiers walk in. The policeman felt threatened (paranoia from smoking hash?), and a “fire fight” ensued. (“The Talk of the Town: Comment Leaks”, by Amy Davidson. The New Yorker magazine, August 9, 2010.)

A new weekly television comedy, “Afghan Police,” is foreseen:

EPISODE 1: Mamouf, a local commander for the Afghan National Police, is happy about the millions of dollars the Americans have been paying his police station. Mamouf commands a police force in the southwest Helmand province of Afghanistan, the world’s largest opium-producing region. Then, into Mamouf’s office bursts Abdul, chief lieutenant. Abdul tells Mamouf that the NATO is complaining about the Afghan National Police smoking opium. Mamouf is worried the Americans might cut off his funds. But there are laughs-a-plenty once the gang at Mamouf’s police station smoke some hashish on the matter. The more hash they smoke, the funnier it all seems to them.

EPISODE 2: The zany bunch at the local Afghan National Police station are in trouble. The NATO doesn’t like it how they are always going AWOL. Mamouf tries to explain to the Americans that his men are having to travel for days, back to their families, each month when they receive their paycheck. The Americans pay more millions of dollars to buy cell phones for the men. In this way, the Afghan National Police officers can just “text” their paychecks home each month. You’ll howl with laughter, though, when it is realized most of the ANP officers are illiterate. Enjoy the fun as Mamouf tries to explain “texting” to his men.

EPISODE 3: The men at the local Afghan National Police station are in an uproar. The Americans had paid millions more of dollars for voice-activation software for their cell phones. Now the men can send their monthly paychecks home and don’t have to go AWOL for days. But the men have discovered that Mamouf, their commander, had been skimming money off their pay! They thought they were being paid $30 per month. But now, with the paychecks going directly to their cell phones, they find out their pay is really $150 per month. Abdul, chief lieutenant, informs Mamouf the men are in an ugly mood. But Mamouf solves the problem by selling guns the Americans have supplied to the Taliban, and gives the extra money to his men. There are smiles all around as the Afghan National Police hug each other and are friends once more.

EPISODE 4: It is “man-love Thursday” at the local Afghan National Police headquarters. This is the traditional evening of seduction before Friday prayers. One of the officers is seen applying eyeliner as he gazes into a blue-beaded hand mirror. Another of the officers has glossily painted fingernails. The men are slow-dancing to music playing from tinny cassettes. Then, in walks a new young recruit, Sabib. Sabib is looking hot to the men. But the prettier officers, the “chai boys,” are jealous of Sabib. They complain to Abdul, and he informs Mamouf about the tense situation. Mamouf solves the problem by claiming Sabib for himself.

EPISODE 5: This episode begins with a clip from a press conference. President Barack Obama is asked, “Will the Afghan National Police be ready to take over when the scheduled drawdown begins in July 2011?” Obama is seen to consult an adviser, then suddenly exclaims, “They haven’t been trained!? After 8 years!?” At the local Afghan National Police headquarters, Mamouf has received a training manual from DynCorp. He has Abdul assemble the men. “Men, today we begin with hygiene training,” says Mamouf. You will laugh and laugh as Mamouf explains washing and going to the bathroom to his men. Then, when Mamouf illustrates what a condom is, even serious Abdul roars with laughter.

(Acknowledgement to a report by Christina Lamb, originally published by the Sunday Times of London and condensed in The Week magazine, Aug. 27, 2010.)

(A version of the above Ersjdamoo’s Blog entry first appeared at my Melchizedek Communique web site on August 9th and August 27th of 2010.)


About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
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