Grigori Rasputin is supposed to have been murdered in 1916. That is what the Russians are claiming. But can we trust what they say? It is known that Rasputin had mysterious occult powers. For example, the bearded bedazzler could magically heal the tsarevich Alexei, who suffered from hemophilia. What if Rasputin, like Cagliostro, could live for hundreds of years? What if Rasputin is still alive, and controlling Vladimir Putin?
And even if Rasputin did die in 1916, it is well known that the Russians have done advanced studies on the occult. For example, the book, Psychic Discoveries Behind the Iron Curtain, published decades ago, tells us where the Russian occult power studies had reached back then. But who knows how far the Russian research has advanced by now! It is almost a certainty that Vladimir Putin now “channels” Rasputin on a daily basis!
As it turns out, Victoria Nuland was not distributing “cookies” in Kiev in December 2013; she was distributing holy wafers, consecrated previously by the Church of the Right Way. These holy wafers were a spiritual weapon against the Rasputinism which had infiltrated Kiev. Also present was Senator John McCain: he had in his possession the Holy Lance, the spear which had pierced the side of Jesus. Together, Nuland and McCain unleashed enormous counter-forces which soon caused the spirit of Rasputin to flee, howling, from Kiev.
But the influence of the starets (Russian holy man) Rasputin had not yet been exorcised from Ukraine itself. The Director of the CIA (DCIA) John O. Brennan, cunningly disguised by a goatee, an eye patch, and wearing a beret tilted to one side, attempted to smuggle in more of the holy wafers, consecrated by the Church of the Right Way, into Kiev on the weekend of April 12-13. But imps of Rasputin blocked Brennan’s way, stole his holy wafers, and flushed them down the toilet! Soon enough followed the bizarre happening of Ukrainian soldiers willingly handing the keys to their armored vehicles over to the Rasputin forces.
Clearly these are dangerous times, with the spirit of Rasputin – or even Rasputin himself – now on the march. It is notable that the old “duck and cover” drills are not being used in our schools during the administration of President Barack Obama. In the John F. Kennedy times, America was well aware of Rasputin’s ghost flying over schools and trying to snatch the souls of our children. But now, for some strange reason, the U.S. President cannot be bothered with the “duck and cover” drills. What about that, Mr. Obama!?
And in our public libraries, also notably during the Obama presidency, if you look closely amongst the dusty shelves, you may in fact find copies of certain Rasputin books. Think of that! Our children could be infected by the Rasputin stories! And rumors have even reached this desk of certain librarians actually taking children aside and whispering, “Hey kid. Want to read a good Rasputin book?”
Some of you liberals out there may, at this point, be thinking, “Oh come on. What can be so bad about Rasputin books?” (ANY CHILDREN, READ NO FARTHER.) Well, Mr. Fancy-Pants Liberal, try this on for size: it is well known by the experts that Rasputin had belonged to the Khlysty, a heretical Russian sect. These Khlysty renounced priesthood, holy books and veneration of the saints! The seditious sect engaged in ecstatic rituals (see image above) which often turned into sexual orgies! Rasputin, in his younger days, used to wander around Russia as a traveling starets. Russian women, pure as the driven snow, innocently listened to the “holy man”. And what did he tell them? Rasputin told them, “My sweet young thing, in order to be saved, first you must sin. If you do not sin, you cannot be saved.” How’s that for a way to score with the chicks!? Sadly, many of these Russian women were seduced by the “mad monk” and thereafter their stories are too painful to be told.
Isn’t it about time you woke up, America? The dangers of Rasputin, his imps, and the Khlysty have already made vast inroads into Ukraine. Obviously the United States of America will be their next target! Must we wait until Rasputin and his Khlysty come parachuting down into the American heartland?
(The above is a satire and is not meant literally.)