A U.S. Senator, speaking on condition of strict anonymity, has revealed that Russia is secretly allied with extraterrestrials.
The Senator, a prominent hawk, claims that Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, signed a treaty with representatives of “Kepler-186f”, an earth-sized planet located in the “habitable zone” of a “red dwarf” star approximately 500 light-years from earth.
Publicly, it had been announced by NASA in April of this year that such a planet located in the “habitable zone” had been discovered. But according to the anonymous Senator the existence of Kepler-186f has been privately known for several years.
“We’ve known about it, as have the Russians,” the Senator stated.
The secret treaty between Russia and representatives of Kepler-186f was signed so far back as the autumn of 2011, the Senator revealed. Highly placed sources in the U.S. intelligence establishment have privately confided to the Senator what they have managed to discover about the secret treaty.
“It’s infuriating!” the Senator exclaimed. “The Russians have agreed to seal off part of eastern Ukraine as a giant ’embassy’ for the space creatures!”
Asked what the Russians would receive in return for their Slavic treachery, the Senator stated, “Details are hazy. One aspect has to do with an energy monopoly – a new unknown type of abundant energy – being handed over exclusively to Moscow.”
Longtime readers of Ersjdamoo’s Blog may recall how, on March 30, 2012, it was reported that a mystery had developed in connection with a cat owned by Dmitry Medvedev, at that time serving as Russia’s President. (Medvedev is currently the Prime Minister.) The cat’s disappearance had come on the heels of a toe-to-toe sit-down chat between President Barack Obama and Medvedev. It had been speculated upon at the time that Medvedev’s cat might have somehow been employed as a double-agent. During the heartfelt chat between Obama and Medvedev, somehow a microphone had been switched on. Revealed to the world was Barack Obama’s masterful edge over Dmitry Medvedev. “Did Obama have help from a friendly cat, a friendly cat who made sure the microphone was turned on? Did that same cat, mission accomplished, subsequently escape to a ‘safe house’ in Russia? Has that same cat now ‘come in from the cold’?” (See Mystery of Medvedev’s Cat, Ersjdamoo’s Blog entry of March 30, 2012.)
But the Senator has revealed new incredible details about the “Medvedev’s cat” incident. The cat, he says, had been given a special brain implant by representatives of Kepler-186f. By remote control, the Keplerians had caused the cat to turn on the microphone at the crucial time. “The extraterrestrials were seeking to win favor with Obama,” explained the Senator. “And it is feared they have. How else do you explain Obama’s apparent indifference to the situation now in Ukraine?”
When asked about any possible connection between the July 17th crash of the Malaysian airliner MH17 and the secret Russian treaty with Kepler-186f, the Senator stiffened noticeably, then tersely answered, “I can neither confirm nor deny.”
At this moment the Senator is exerting pressure behind-the-scenes, seeking to force President Obama to “man up” about Ukraine. What ought President Obama do about the Russian betrayal to the Keplerians? The senator exploded in fury: “Bomb them! Bomb them to smithereens!”
(The above is a satire and not meant literally.)