Putin’s Convoy and the Phantom APCs

Convoy Music Video

The British Guardian newspaper had a reporter at the scene. Shaun Walker believed he saw “as many as 23 APCs, plus support vehicles, cross the border after nightfall…” [1]

It was at the cold and lonely crossing that the reporter saw the Armored Personnel Carrier (APC) loom through the fog. At the wheel sat a big man. “Big Ivan’s the name,” he said, “And the name of this here APC is Phantom 309.” As he put the APC into low gear, Big Ivan tossed a silver Ruble to the reporter. “Go get yourself a hot samovar of tea on Big Ivan,” he smiled and said. (Background: Border Convoy Craze: “Phantom 309 Invades Ukraine!”, Ersjdamoo’s Blog entry of August 17, 2014.)

Some say Big Ivan and his Phantom APC were destroyed in Ukraine by Kiev neo-Nazis. But others shake their heads and say, “No wreckage was ever found. And sometimes, when the moon is full, a lonely reporter at the border will see Big Ivan.”

As for Shaun Walker, he is keeping that silver Ruble as a souvenir of his otherworldly encounter. [2]

The Phantom APCs which, according to folklore, had crossed into Ukraine, were cunningly masked by Putin’s convoy, a long line of trucks carrying humanitarian aid to Lugansk and Donetsk. How the Putin convoy first began is a story in itself. (Apologies to C.W. McCall)

Putin’s Convoy

Ah, breaker one-nine, this here’s the Rubber Reindeer. You gotta copy on me, Big Ivan, c’mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Big Ivan, fer shure, fer shure. By golly, it’s clean clear to Novgorod, c’mon. Yeah, that’s a big 10-4 there, Big Ivan, yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy.

Was the dark of the moon near Kremlin Town
In a big rig pullin’ bottled water
Cab-over Igor with a reefer on
And Alexei haulin’ potatos
We is headin’ for Ukraine on the Russian road
‘Bout a mile outta Kremlin Town
I says, “Big Ivan, this here’s the Rubber Reindeer.
And I’m about to put the hammer down.”

Cause we got a little convoy
Rockin’ through the night.
Yeah, we got a little convoy,
Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this Putin Convoy
Right across Ukraine.

By the time we got into Smolensk,
We had hundreds of trucks in all.
But they’s a roadblock up at the border,
And the Pravy Sektor was wall-to-wall.
Yeah, them Pravys is thick as bugs on a bumper;
They even had a Pravy in the air!
I says, “Callin’ all trucks, this here’s the Reindeer.
We about to deploy the APCs.”


Well, we rolled up Russia Highway
Like a rocket sled on rails.
We tore up all of our Red Cross sheets,
And put ’em settin’ on the APCs.
By the time we hit that hole in the fence,
Them Pravys was a-gettin’ smart:
They’d brought up some reinforcements
From the British Guardian newspaper.
There’s reporters cars, and cameras, and phones,
And satellites of ev’ry size.
Yeah, them border fences was full’a Pravys
And choppers filled the skies.
Well, we shot the fence and we went for broke
With 23 APCs
An’ eleven long-haired Friends a’ Rasputin
In a chartreuse micra-bus.


Well, we laid a strip for the Dnieper shore
And prepared to cross the line
I could see the fence was lined with reporters
But I didn’t have a dog-goned dime.
I says, “Big Ivan, this here’s the Rubber Reindeer.
We just ain’t a-gonna pay no toll.”
So Big Ivan tossed out a silver Ruble
And says “Let them truckers roll, 10-4.”

——- Sources ——-
[1] “Russia’s Aid Convoy Apparently Was a Trojan Horse After All”, by Katie Zavadski. NYMag/Daily Intelligencer, August 14, 2014
[2] Shaun Walker and the Big Ivan encounter are satirical and not meant literally.


About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
This entry was posted in Phantom 309, Putin's convoy, Ukraine crisis. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Putin’s Convoy and the Phantom APCs

  1. Pingback: Steven Seagal Pressured by Feds | Ersjdamoo's Blog

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