At Lies HQ, a top-level meeting was in progress. “What To Do About Brian Williams” was the topic. The newsfakers were shocked – Shocked! – that Williams appeared to be a congenital liar.
Chairing the liars’ meeting was Tom Brokaw. “It wasn’t like this in the time of Greatest Generation, I can tell you that,” grumbled Brokaw. “In the time of GG, Greatest Generation, they asked no questions and did as they were told.”
The other liars all agreed. “Those were the days, the days of GG,” one of them said. “Not like now when there is a rising tide of distrust for our news pronouncements.”
“Why just this morning,” continued Brokaw, “a mere negro shining my shoes had the effrontery to say, in my very presence, that he doesn’t bother with the TV news and just reads Internet! Of course, because of his insolence, I gave him no tip.”
David Muir, anchor of ABC News, weighed in on the matter at hand: What to do about Brian Williams, anchor of NBC News. “We have got a situation now where one of our liars has been caught red-handed. We of course do not mind that he lies – we all do that. But the problem is now this Williams is giving the rest of us a bad name, even worse than usual.”
Scott Pelley, anchor of CBS News, summarized the Williams’ crisis: “Williams is tainting the rest of us by association. We will have to do something clever in the way we handle this.”
“But maybe it will all blow over in awhile,” interjected Jim Lehrer of the high-falutin’ PBS Newshour. “Why not just wait for the heat to die down?”
“The answer,” replied Brokaw, “is that our enemies, the conspiracy theorists, will continue to dredge this up.”
How to use this Brian Williams episode to the advantage of the newsfakers: that was the puzzle. The cunning band of liars put their heads together in a circle, hovering over an inverted pentagram. Two goats were brought into the room by a flunkie. Then Tom Brokaw cast lots for the two goats: One goat was for Beelzebub and would be sacrificed as a sin offering and one goat would be the scapegoat and would be released to the wilderness. Which would it be? Would Brian Williams be sacrificed as a sin offering? Or would he be released to the wilderness? From the sinister smoky mist arose the answer: Brian Williams to be sent as scapegoat into the wilderness. “Behold the scapegoat Brian Williams, who takes away the sins of the newsfakers,” chanted the assembled group of liars.
Later that evening, on their “Nightly News”, the decision was announced in unison by the various anchors. “Brian Williams carries away our sins. It is the atonement. Henceforth we remaining ones are pure and must be believed.”
And thus truly began the new year, after the smokescreen of “Deflategate.” Brian Williams had carried away as scapegoat the sins of the newsfakers. They were now symbolically cleansed and were ready for a fresh new year of lies.
(The above is a satire and not meant literally.)