Travels of the Surfin’ Dude

Obama Surfing in Hawaii 1982

The surfin’ dude was born in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961, though some dispute this. “Wow, man, the dude is ageless,” they say. “He is for all time.”

As a child, the dude loved to watch the surfers at “Jaws” (Pe’ahi in Hawaiian), the biggest and baddest surf spot in all of Hawaii, with waves that are rumored to reach 120 feet. [1]

Sometimes the Hawaiian surfers talked about riding the waves in Jakarta, Indonesia. By a happy coincidence, the dude’s parents decided to move there in 1967. In these formative years, the dude took to the water like a duck and slowly honed his surfing skills.

By the time he returned to Honolulu in 1971, the dude’s natural talent was evident to all. Between then and 1979, when he graduated from high school, talk about this amazing prodigy of surfing never stopped amongst the surfer groupies.

After graduating high school, the dude decided to check out the waves in California. He moved to Los Angeles in 1979. Between then and 1981, the dude made a trip back to Indonesia to learn special techniques from an old acknowledged master of surfing.

There is some mystery about why the surfin’ dude moved to New York City in 1981 and then to Chicago in 1985. There’s not much good surfing in these spots, so why did the dude put away his board during these years? Some say the dude had become fed up with envious glances coming from certain “white crackers” who were jealous of the marvelous talent possessed by the surfin’ dude.

These were “the lost years”, as fans of riding the waves now denote them. Luckily, though, fate intervened: the Big Boss of Chicago took a liking to the surfer dude and convinced him to hop a wave which carried him all the way to the White House in Washington, DC.

Because he was now the U.S. President, the dude was able to jump aboard Air Force One and travel easily to wherever the waves were good. A Secret Service detail kept away the envious glances of the “white crackers” and slowly the dude was enabled to re-establish his skills.

Now the dude can’t wait for the end of his White House stint in early 2017. Already he is waxing down his surfboard in anticipation. The rumors are that the dude heads next for California where he and his wife Michele “are in escrow on a 3.29- acre, James Bond-esque estate in a swanky gated community where Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Bob Hope once kept properties.” [2]

Within this gated community, the surfin’ dude hopes to be protected from any “bad vibes” projected by the “white crackers.” With his “aura” thus safe, he hopes to “focus like a laser” upon the ideals of surfing.

But the “white crackers” never sleep. Two of these reputed “white crackers,” Charles and David Koch, known collectively as “the Koch brothers,” are already scheming to increase bad vibes and thereby thwart the calm meditations so necessary to surfers.

The Koch brothers hide behind “Freedom Partners”, which in turn distributes funds to aligned organizations. The organization has a two-year budget of about $900 million. [3] Such enormous funding could spell doom for the dude’s rebirth as the surfing messiah.

But another wealthy fellow, white but not a “cracker,” George Soros, has plans of his own. He continues to quietly fund “activists”. These “activists” appear unpredictably at various surfing hot spots and change the vibes. The amplitude of their sinusoidal waves, it is hoped, will work to cancel out the frequencies of the opposing Koch brothers’ via sinusoidal amplitude modulation.

In the middle of it all, like Buddha contemplating his navel, sits the surfin’ dude. All eyes begin now to turn to California. Can the dude do it? Will he once more catch a wave and be sitting on top of the world?

(The above is a satire and not meant literally.)

——- Sources ——-
[1] “Hawaii’s Top 13 Surfing Spots”, by Alexander Davies. Discovery News, Dec 30, 2011.
[2] “Obamas Buying $4.25 Million Home in California’s Rancho Mirage: Report”, by Erin Carlson. NBC Chicago, July 23, 2014. http://tinyurl.com/q5hjwa9
[3] “Koch donors emerge to defend brothers’ goals”, by Fredreka Schouten. USA Today, April 1, 2015. Page 1A.

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About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
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