Will the Real Osama Please Stand Up


Osama bin Laden was dead, dead, dead. All the authorities agree. The register of his burial had been signed by the Seal Team 6 after they dumped his body into the ocean. The chief of them all, President Barack Obama, had confirmed the death. And Obama’s name was good upon “news” and for anything else he put his hand to. Old Osama was dead as a door-nail. [1] (Background: Reading List of Osama bin Laden, Ersjdamoo’s Blog, May 24, 2015.)

Yet months later, at a cold lonely crossroads, a hitchhiker shivered in the cold night. The hitchhiker relates that, “It was just about then that the lights of a semi-trailer truck were seen. You should have seen me smile when I heard those air brakes come on.”

The hitchhiker, let us call him Tom, further avers that when he climbed up into the cab of the truck he saw at the wheel a big man wearing a turban. The turbaned driver, apparently of Middle Eastern origin, was friendly. He offered to shake hands and introduced himself: “Big Osama is my name. And this truck I call Phantom 911.”

“As the truck rolled onwards, we discussed theological matters,” continued Tom. “I agreed with him that the trinity was a wrong conception, but we politely disagreed about the divinity of Jesus. Then, almost mysteriously, the lights of a truck stop appeared up ahead. Big Osama looked at me and said, ‘I am most sorry, but I must be making a turn soon.'”

Tom the hitchhiker says that the turbaned driver gave a silver dollar to him just before he exited the vehicle. “My friend,” he said to Tom, “treat yourself to some healthful tea with this silver dollar.”

So Tom went into the truck stop and here is where it gets strange. “I would like some tea,” he said to the waitress, “and Big Osama pays for it with this silver dollar he gave me.”

The face of the waitress expressed shock. “What’s wrong? Have I committed a faux pas?” asked Tom.

“No, mister,” she replied. “It’s just that you must be a time traveler or something. Do you realize how much a real silver dollar is worth these days? It’s worth a lot more than a cup of tea.”

“Mister,” the waitress added, “I want you to hang on to that silver dollar, or at least get it appraised by a good coin collector. You can have the tea for free. But keep that silver dollar as a souvenir if you like. A souvenir of when money was backed by silver.”

Kind of eerie, no? Osama bin Laden was dead as a doornail, but months later he gives a silver dollar to a hitchhiker!

If Tom the Hitchhiker was a real time traveler, as the waitress speculated, he may have come both from a time when Osama bin Laden was alive, and a time when coins were made of silver. Around those days there was a TV game show, To Tell the Truth. They always had three people all claiming to be a certain person, kind of like the theological trinity conception discussed by Tom and Big Osama. But only one was the true person and the other two were imposters. So imagine Osama bin Laden appearing on To Tell the Truth, back when he was fighting the Soviet army and before he decided to fight against us. Back then, in the early 1980s, Osama was still our buddy. So he could have conceivably appeared as a guest on a 1980s version of To Tell the Truth.

The episode begins…

HOST: Number 1, what is your name please?

NUMBER 1: I am Osama bin Laden.

HOST: Number 2, what is your name please?

NUMBER 2: I am Osama bin Laden.

HOST: Number 3, what is your name please?

NUMBER 3: I am Osama bin Laden.

As the three Osamas walk over to their chairs to face the panel of questioners, the host reads a short affidavit:

I, Osama bin Laden, am the heir to a Saudi construction fortune. I left Saudi Arabia after the 1979 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan to fight against the Soviet army. By 1984, I was running a front organization known as Maktab al-Khidamar – the MAK – which funnels money, arms and fighters from the outside world into the Afghan war. MAK, in turn, is nurtured by Pakistan’s state security services, the Inter-Services Intelligence agency, or ISI. And the ISI is the CIA’s primary conduit for conducting the covert war against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. I am therefore a CIA asset. (signed) Osama bin Laden. [2]

After the panel gives scrutinizing questions to each of the Osamas, they all vote their opinion on which of the three is the real Osama bin Laden. And then it is the moment of truth: The host calls out, “Will the real Osama please stand up!”

(Portions of the above are satirical and not literally true.)

——- Sources ——-
[1] Apologies to: A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens.
[2] “Bin Laden comes home to roost”, by Michael Moran. MSNBC, August 24, 1998. http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article1245.htm


About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
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