Confederate Flags Cause Cancer

Birth of a Nation by D.W. Griffith – Trailer (1915)

At Montauk, Long Island, Preston Nichols’ scientific colleagues were ordered to study “time”. The higher-ups told Nichols and his group, “Learn everything you can about ‘time’. How to control it; what it is.” This occurred circa 1978-1979. By 1981 a system had been modified so that “we had a working time tunnel, a working time portal.” (Background: Our Friend, The Ether (Part 39), Ersjdamoo’s Blog, December 10, 2013.)

Time travel had been established: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. [1]

Some young college students had learned about the “white privilege.” They had been randomly preaching their doctrine at the Starbucks cafĂ©s. But more needed to be done. It was at this approximate moment they heard rumors about the Montauk time travel project. “Why not travel back in time and tell people about the ‘white privilege’?” they wondered. It was agreed they would travel back to Sharpsburg, Maryland, to September 16, 1862, the eve of the Battle of Antietam.

Traveling back in the time tunnel, the young college students arrived at their destination. They happened to come upon two Union soldiers, Zeke and Joe.

“Blast it!” said Zeke to Joe. “We have got the ‘shoddy’ wool for our clothes, the shoes not fit for sale, useless tents, rotten blankets, and condemned carbines. And now there’s talk of a big battle.” [2]

“I only enlisted for 90 days,” Joe agreed. “And here it’s been more than a year now and they won’t let me go home.”

The young college students approached the grumbling Zeke and Joe. “We are here from the future,” they announced.

Dumbfounded, the two Union soldiers looked up from their campfire. “Who is it, Joe?” whispered Zeke. “I don’t know,” Zeke replied. “They might be Rebel spies.”

“Go ahead and eat your hardtack and drink your coffee,” one of the students made bold to say. “But know that you enjoy the ‘white privilege’.”

The young college students went on to explain how Zeke and Joe were living a privileged lifestyle, compared with the oppressed people of color. The two Union soldiers had nothing better to do, and they both enjoyed a good yarn, so they listened. But their skepticism turned to amazement as they heard tell about how, in the future, the oppressed people of color would be experiencing micro-aggressions.

“That is a perceived slight, which hurts their feelings,” one of the college students explained about the micro-aggressions.

Well Zeke and Joe were plain-enough people, and their hearts were moved about the sufferings caused by the micro-aggressions. “Say, who are you folks?” they asked. “We thought you might be Rebel spies or something.”

“Far from it!” laughed one of the young people. “We are college students!”

The jaws of Zeke and Joe dropped in amazement. “You done been to college!?” they gasped. The two Union soldiers felt profoundly impressed by the obvious book-learning and education. The young college students could only try to remain humble about their vast knowledge.

Anyway, Zeke and Joe went away from the impromptu teachable moment as new men. A seed had been planted and they couldn’t wait to tell the other soldiers about the “white privilege” and the “micro-aggression.”

But then war briefly intervened. The Battle of Antietam ensued on September 17, 1862. The young college students of course stayed well away from the cannon balls, the rifle shots, and the bayonets. Zeke and Joe however, being far less important, were in the thick of the fray. The two disciples of the young college students were lucky, in a way, for they did not get killed. Unfortunately though, Zeke lost an arm and Joe lost a leg. The “sawbones” surgeon gave them hard whisky to drink as he cut off their limbs.


Recovering from their injuries in the makeshift hospital, Zeke said to Joe, “You know, it’s like I can still feel my arm where it’s been cut off.”

“I too feel as if that part of my leg is still there,” agreed Joe. (This often happens. The astral correspondent of the lost limb takes awhile to dissipate.)

The two Union soldiers sadly contemplated their futures. It would be harder now to do any farming. Yet both took heart from their newfound knowledge about the “white privilege” and the “micro-aggressions.” Zeke and Joe eagerly preached the new faith to the other soldiers in the hospital. At first the other soldiers thought it was tall tales, but they too slowly began to nod their heads and be converted.

As for the young college students, they were feeling mighty good about themselves as they travelled through the time tunnel, back to 2015 and their classes. “Surely now the faith shall grow like a mustard seed,” one of them mused. “Hallelujah!” the others said.

(The above is a satire and not meant literally.)

——- Sources ——-
[1] Acknowledgement to A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens.
[2] “Shoddy” wool, shoes not fit for sale, useless tents, rotten blankets, and condemned carbines: See, A People’s History of the Civil War, by David Williams. New York: The New Press, 2005.


About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.
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